About THEMrsSearcy

I'm loving my life right now! My short term goal is to post here at least once a week. My long term goal is to hear any of my novels announced as a part of the New York Times bestseller list. I have been featured in an ad from www.BN.com and I suppose that somewhere in the wonderland that is Amazon.com, I am also featured me in an ad or two. Maybe. I have made the decision that procrastination is a liar.

Rock/Hard Place

I am going to vote, because it’s my right and privilege. I just don’t know who to vote for, since I do not favor either of the “presumptive” candidates.
It was much easier in school, you know, the most popular person got the votes and nothing in my day to day school life changed. I am actually concerned about the America my children will grow up in. The atmosphere is electric with prejudice and hate.
No one is embarrassed any more about bad behavior.
I believe I’m raising my children to the best of my abilities, but they are NOT prepared for the world’s brand of stuff.
How does one actually raise a child that way? How do I prepare them for the ugly that life can be and still raise them to be good people? Is it possible? I want my daughters to be confident women who know that they are not a sum of their parts and my sons to know that a woman is far more than the sum of her parts. My sons will be strong, confident, godly men of valor.

My husband says he was drawn to me, because he saw the light of the lord in my face. He says he was drawn to the anointing. I must admit, I wasn’t used to that approach. I was used to be approached because of the sum of my parts.

I foresee a day when our driver’s license will have to designate our sex as GF/GM = genetic female/male; T = transgender; X = Asexual; etc. How do I prepare them for crazy?!?!?!
I’ve read that NAMBLA is seeking “rights” under the law. HOW FRIGHTENING IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!

I sometimes day dream about living on an Island in the middle of no where. A population of like minded people (invitation only), but different enough to be individuals. No crime, no hatred, just a community of people living their lives off the grid. We each own our own land, etc.

I know, it’s a pie in the sky dream. Life isn’t getting any better, but then the Bible says that it would get worse.

2 Timothy 3 (King James Version (KJV)

This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.

For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,

Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good,

Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;

Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.

For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts,

Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.

I will do my best each day to impart into my children the ability to make godly decisions. As a parent that’s all I can to, at least, until I find and purchase that island.

Advertisements

Rachael’s Song chapter 2

Antoinette “Toni-May” Marie LaVasseur didn’t much like winter. It was, putting it mildly, her idea of the worse time of the year. She wasn’t like her sister, Rachael, who seemed to be able to make the best of everything. She, liked her sister Rachael, which is why, she reasoned with herself, she had gotten out of her warm bed to go and pick her up from work. “If only she’d listened to me”, she said cheerily to the toddler sleepily watching the passerby’s. She glanced at her daughter’s reflection in the rear view mirror, “We knew that Steve was a snake, huh? Didn’t we?” She said in a half baby talk, half sing-song voice. “Auntie Rae-Rae should have walked away from that one, too!”
The baby gurgled, sighed and closed her eyes. Toni-May sighed. She’d been praying for her siblings since she found out that she could pray specific things for each of them. And she’d felt pretty successful in her prayers because they were all happily married, with the careers of their dreams, with the exception of Rachael. It did appear that Rachel would be forever making the same mistake over and over again. She had a way of pretending to listen to advice, but then going ahead with her own plan. In truth, she’d told Rachael not to allow Steve to drive her car – ever. Rachael had said that she understood and agreed that she’d just drive him where he’d had to go, but in the end, he’d convinced her that she was being silly and insecure. So she’d handed him the keys and he’d wrecked her car. Toni-May grimaced. She would continue to try and give her sister good advice, no matter what.

>>Rachael stood as close to the wall as she could. It shielded her from the wind and brought a pretense of warmth that escaped her. “I will not argue with my sister.” She told herself. “I will just sit and nod.” She smiled to herself. Her Dad had hated it when she did that. He’d stop talking and just stare back at her, then he’d hug her and kiss her on the forehead. She missed her dad. She truly believed that her love life would be much easier if her dad were still alive. He would have pointed out to her that Steve wasn’t the one, but then would she have listened to him? She frowned, probably not. She did have a way of ignoring the obvious. She chuckled, I must be growing up. No one could have said that to me and had me agree.

>”What’s so funny in that head of yours, pretty lady?” The voice came from behind her, but she recognized it so she didn’t turn to look at him. Wayne Brown. Wayne was the guy everybody in the office loved, but her. He was fun, witty and somewhat handsome. Rachael thought him to be the office clown.

“Shall I repeat myself?” he asked walking around to the front of her. “I heard you chuckling over here.” He stood smiling at her. He looked handsome even with his shoulders hunched up toward his ears. She noticed the twinkle in his eye that made all of the other women in the office want to be in his presence and yet she’d never seen him with any of them, nor had she heard any rumors.

“Well?” he said smiling at her. Rachael mustered up a smile. “Oh, just some private thoughts.” she said quietly. Why did it suddenly seem warmer where she stood? “I’m waiting on my sister. She’s picking me up.” Rachael wanted to kick herself.
Wayne stared at her, as if he was studying her face. “I would have taken you home, ya know. I still live one block over from you.” Wayne stepped closer to her and lowered his voice, “Why do you dislike me so much?” It was this habit he had of being blunt and honest that bothered her most. How would anyone answer a question like that?
Rachael didn’t like that she liked the nearness of him and took one step back. “I don’t dislike you. I’m just trying to stay out of relationships right now.” The honesty of the statement made her blush and looked down at the ground. “I just want friends right now.”
Wayne gently lifted her head with his fist. “It’s cold out here beautiful. Much too cold for you to be standing out here waiting for a ride. Can you call your sister and tell her that your friend Wayne is taking you home?” Rachael shook her head. “She should be here any moment.” She stepped around him to look out into the parking lot. She saw the little blue compact car idling by the loading dock. She waved cheerily. “There she is, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Wayne stared at her almost lovingly. He took her arm and headed toward the car with her. She felt her back tense and her heart begin to pound. “What is he doing?” She wondered silently. He approached the car and opened the door. “Until tomorrow pretty lady.” He said, pretending to tip his hat. He waved at Toni-May and stepped back from the car.
“WOW!, Toni-May said excitedly. “Who is that?” Rachael kept her eyes straight head, “No one, just drive.” She said flatly.

Wayne stood watching as the car drove out of sight. He knew he was undeniably drawn to the light he saw in Rachael, but he was also aware of her seeming dislike of his presence. He looked heavenward and wondered if he’d misheard God on this one. It’d been four long years since he’d seen Rachael standing in the employee lounge. She’d been friendly enough back then, but now she seemed more distant than she’d ever been.
It was one of those things that hung in his mind and tugged at his heart. Men are not supposed to be so in touch with their feelings. He thought to himself, “I am supposed to just move on to the next woman. and there are a bevy of fine beautiful women to choose from, but he only had eyes for Rachael.
He started his car and chuckled, “This must be why there are stalking laws.”

 

Rachael’s Song

She had decorated her small piece of the world as precisely as she could to a picture she’d seen in a Good House Keeping Magazine a few years ago. It was, to her twenty year old mind, her truest statement of home. She’d used straw mats over the carpet to simulate hard wood flooring, but all in all the room was picture perfect. She’d framed the magazine picture on the wall over the little desk as a conversation piece for visitors, but she didn’t have visitors often and her siblings all thought it was odd. But to her it was just home, a place to escape the harshness of the outside world and she’d almost ruined that by allowing Steve to even enter the airspace! He’d disrespected her furniture and her sense of style. He was often rude in his way and yet loving when he wanted to be intimate. She’d chalked this all up to the life he’d led in New York. It would seem to her that New Yorkers were like this, cold and hard on the outside, but warm and gooey on the inside. The very thought that she’d missed all those red flags made her even angrier!
Flopping down on the couch, she began to unbutton her coat. She rested her head on the back of the couch and stared at the pictures she secured to the ceiling. She chuckled to herself. This was probably the oddest part of her home. There were pictures on the ceiling in every room. She’d had them professionally mounted so there wouldn’t be any surprises. The ones in the living room were of fields and meadows. Each ceiling held room appropriate paintings or framed photos. It was truly relaxing to lie back in the tub and look at pictures of the beach and the ocean. She’d gotten the idea one day at her Gyno’s office. She wondered if the cute kitty picture over the exam table eased anyone’s fears. It was truly odd to have pictures of kittens and cats in a Gynecologist office anyway, far too many innuendos.
She yawned. The silence was her least favorite thing in her apartment. It hung like a big heavy drop cloth over every beautiful thing. It’s probably why she’d allowed Steve to come into her space in the first place.
She’d thought about getting a pet, but couldn’t decide which one she wouldn’t mind cleaning up after. It would also have to be odorless, didn’t shed, nor have to be fed regularly. These truths of the pet search had led her to the thrift store in search of a pet rock. This hadn’t been good either, because it came up missing one day.
She looked about her place, it was picture perfect, but there wasn’t any signs of life. No plants graced the corners. There were no pictures of smiling faces on any surface. It did cross her mind that this was one of the reasons why Steve had thought her an easy mark. Her entire existence screamed “LONELY PATHETIC CHRISTIAN WOMAN LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, ANYONE TO BRIGHTEN HER WORLD!”
In truth it had also been easy for Brighten, her very first boyfriend, emphasis on “boy”. Brighten had been about sex also, but she’d met him at church and they’d played the role of sweet courting couple; making out in private and barely touching in public.
They’d lasted one year. She decided that she didn’t want pretense to be a part of her married life.
She slipped her arms out of her coat and slipped off her shoes and wiggled her toes. Brighten had liked her feet, a lot. That thought made her giggle. He would kiss and caress her feet. They’d go on shopping trips to find just the correct shade of whatever color he wanted to paint her toenails. In the end he never spoke of marriage, just her feet.
She never painted her toenails now and Steve had never noticed. He wasn’t about body parts he’d told her, he was about the entire woman. He wanted to know what made her tick. And then he’d used the information to take her most prized possession – her identity. Sure her virginity had been prized, but no one had ever told her about the emptiness that follows a sex act when love isn’t present. She’d thought she loved him, but it turned out that the “reasons had just disappeared”. She laughed out loud. Such a pretty song; such a sad, but true message. She began to sing: “Now, I’m craving your body, is this real
Temperatures rising, I don’t want to feel
I’m in the wrong place to be real
Woahh and I’m longing to love you
just for a night, Kissing and hugging and holding you tight
Please let me love you with all my might

Reasons, the reasons that we’re here,
The reasons that we fear our feelings a-won’t disappear

Oooh! And- after the love game has been played
All our illusions were just a parade
And all the reasons start to fade…..”

>Game, there’s that word again. Why did it have to be a game? Why was it even considered a competition? Isn’t that what a game is, chance, luck, skill? Someone wins and someone loses. Why did it have to be a game? Why couldn’t it be a meeting? Two people coming together to discus the possibility of oneness? She sighed. Meeting of Love? No, it wasn’t very poetic. She closed her eyes and prayed. It wasn’t a very long prayer, just one to soothe the ache in her heart. She stared at the pictures on her ceiling. “I don’t mind waiting God. It’s the unknown that gets to me. I thought I’d be married by now. Please help me to see your hand in all of this.” Rachael paused. She understood that saying AMEN meant far more than just ending her prayer. It meant that she had changed her mindset and would allow God to have his way in her circumstance, so she didn’t say AMEN.

Rachael’s song

The bus stopped two blocks from Rachael’s apartment building. The wind that whipped around her head and punched her in the face reminded her that getting off here had been a stupid idea. There was a perfectly good bus stop in front of her building. That bus stop was covered and heated, a rare commodity, heat at a bus stop. The apartment building owners had it constructed for the children who rode the bus to school. She’d chosen to live in those apartments because of the proximity to the bus stop. Everything else was just gravy. In truth, the only downside had been Steve, the handy man’s apprentice. He stood 6’4″ tall. His skin was like burnished copper and his smile had just reached in and grabbed her heart.
He’d taken advantage of every opportunity he found himself with, to get her to go out with him and exactly two weeks later, she had given him her virginity or had he taken it? Rachael wasn’t sure now. All she knew what that he all too often bragged to his friends that his little pumpkin had been a easy mark.
She grimaced at the thought. Was she so desperate to be married that she’d actually thrown herself in harm’s way? Steve had been charming enough at first, but then he became demanding of her time and attention. He was a twenty-four seven type of man. In the beginning it made her feel wanted and loved, but as the months wore on, she began to feel anxious and she’d learned in her bible study class that being anxious was a sin.
Rachael shivered. She hadn’t been to bible study since she met Steve. He would pout and complain about missing her so she gave up many of her routines for him. All except going to the gym, that, he’d explained was something she needed to do to keep him interested. So she had changed her life for this man she’d given herself to, in the belief that he would marry her. And by the end of it they were talking about him moving in with her, because his rent was going up and her apartment was much larger than his.
>Maybe the car accident had been a blessing. She’d made the decision to break up with him in the hospital.
It wasn’t just the car crash; it was the presence of his wife in the car with him that caused her to walk away from her situation. The sight of him sitting by her bedside, holding her hand and weeping had tore at Rachael’s heart in a way she’d never want to experience again. It made her want to reach into his crotch and take back her virginity! How dare he lie to her! Yes, it had been a lie of omission, but it was still a lie. She wanted to rip his scrotum from his body and stomp on it!
>>She stopped to catch her breath. The cold wind was fighting her for the air in her lungs as she walked briskly towards home. She looked around and marveled at the sights. This was truly a beautiful area. She laughed out loud. It was truly a good thing that no one could hear how scattered her thoughts were! She just needed to let it all go and move forward.
She wasn’t the first woman to fall for the wrong man, nor would she be the last. She took a deep breath, drew her coat tighter and tried to push every thought from her mind until she saw her apartment building.  This however seemed a far more difficult task than she’d imagined. She just couldn’t seem to shut out the thoughts in her head.

How silly had she been! It was just like the song, “Silly wasn’t I, to think that you loved me! Oh wasn’t I silly!” She could hear Denice Williams’ soothing voice ring in her heart just as surely as if she were playing the CD. She remembered standing on the back porch of her grandmother’s house lip syncing the song into a brush. She’d understood the words even then. Just as the words to Dolly”s “Jolene” could always bring her to tears. To say that she had always been unlucky in love was a gross understatement. It did seem that in all of her twenty-five years, she’d discovered all of the wrong things to do in the game of love.
In truth, she wished it weren’t a game. She had never been good at games, unless losing was the object of the game.
It didn’t help that she considered herself a Christian; which is why she’d held onto her virginity so long in this day and age. It had been her plan to be a virgin on her wedding night, but desperation had caused her to jump the gun. She’d believed the words whispered in the dark. She’d felt the emptiness that had followed the act of what should have been making love and she’d simply chalked it up to inexperience.
Now she knew that red flags are not to be ignored. They are signs to say “Stop! This person is not for you!”
This drove all thought from her mind and she walked silently into her apartment and closed her door to the outside world.

Rachael’s Song(working title)

Rachael pulled the collar of her coat up closer to her ears. The wind howled about her as she stood waiting for the city bus. She hated this part. It caused her to miss Steve and what little they’d had together. The six month relationship had taken a lot out of her and had caused her far too much sacrifice. He’d totaled her car and her bank account. She shook her head, Why do I miss him? Why am I so willing to open my heart to the wrong people?
The sound and smell of the bus pushed the thoughts from her head. She waited for the doors to open and boarded the bus. She kept her eyes planted on the driver’s hands as he punched a hole in her transfer. Then she made the awkward journey to the middle of the bus. She took a seat close to the middle doors.
It took everything within her to just look straight ahead and not make eye contact with anyone, stalkers were too easy to attract in her opinion.
>”Um, excuse me, could you skootch over so I can sit here?”
>Rachael looked in the direction of the voice. Its owner was an elderly woman holding a cane and a large shopping bag. She wore a coat that was too small for and the sweater underneath poked through the straining button holes of the coat. “Speak up hun, I ain’t gettin’ no younger!” The old woman snapped at her.
Rachael stared at her and shook her head, “My stop is up next”. Rachael said trying to insert some firmness into her tone.
The old woman grinned a wide almost toothless grin, “Well, mine, too! So skootch over!”
Rachael pulled her purse closer to her body and shook her head. “If you’ll step back, I’ll just stand up.”
The old woman didn’t budge. She placed one hand on the back of the seat and the other on her hip. “Skootch!” she said firmly to Rachael. “Mz Allen ain’t got no time fo ignorant, hun!” The old woman glared at Rachael and at the teenagers who’d started to giggle at the situation.
Rachael reached up and signaled the driver to stop the bus. The old woman laughed heartily and moved toward the back of the bus.
Rachael felt anger rise up her back. She looked in the direction of the old woman, who was now settled into the backseat of the bus. She smiled at Rachael and then defiantly raised her middle finger, in an all too familiar salute of the rude.
Rachael turned her head quickly, pretending not to notice the rude gesture. What had happened to the sweet old ladies? The ones you want to help or give up your seat for; Rachael closed her eyes for a moment to try and erase the thoughts from her head. It would seem that Steve had done more damage to her world in six months than she’d have ever thought possible. His presence in her life had caused her to feel helpless in every area of her life.
Rachael closed her eyes in an effort to shut down the thoughts in her head. Why had she given her heart so willingly to him? Why had she, even in a passive way, given up her seat to that gross old woman? When am I going to grow a set of balls and just stand up for me?

Sigh…

It’s increasingly difficult to rid myself of anger. It seems to dwell just to the left of me and has a tendency to interject when not spoken to or acknowledged.

I cannot seem to shake it. I am as I type this angry. I am angry at so very many things, people, circumstance, and yes, you.

My mind aches. My heart aches. I am thankful that my knees no longer ache, weight loss is a wonderful thing when done responsibly. I even get most of my 100 ozs of water in each day.

I know why I’m angry, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about. Oh, I know the WORD and what it says, and I know that this can turn into a root of bitterness, it’s, just, that, I just can’t seem to shake it.

I wish I could go back in time and live the life I imagined. But alas that too is cause for anger.

I must begin to count my blessings, which are many and I also have mercy that is new every morning.
Sigh, my life was to  be GRAND! No worries! Happy children! Loving husband! SIGH

Giggle, I suppose 2 out of 3, or is it half and half? Maybe 1 out of 4? I know my hubby loves me. Funny isn’t it? How life happens I mean? I’ve had my high points and my lowest of the low points.
And still, it my faith that sustains me. I am nothing without it. I must admit to a sort of numbness recently, a sort of longing for God to do or say something to help me let go of this anger. My guess is that its one of those things we’re supposed to cast away or walk away from.

THE JOY OF THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH

I have learned to be content, however angrily. I’m told that anger stems from Pride and yes, I resemble that remark. My pride has been bruised HORRIBLY! Sigh Sigh Sigh

Father Help me!!!

 

 

LIFE….HAPPENS and then….

So many things going through my head right now. I’m hungry, tummy growling, need to eat, but don’t know what I want ~ so I’ll probably make some popcorn hungry.

I am self reflecting about the things that have happened since I last wrote, I suppose this is therapy, a cleansing of the heart and mind of sorts.
As an author, every circumstance is basis for a book and yet I’ve found myself too tired or stressed to write.

Death visited last month.

Life happens…. and then we go on. It’s not simple by a long shot, but we can’t stop. I have too many people depending on me.
Thank the LORD for my precious hubby! He has been a rock during all of this. He is ever sensitive to my heart and takes very good care of it. He washes me in the water of the WORD and this re-enforces the peace that passes all understanding. He protects my heart! I love that! It makes me feel so very blessed!

I’ve dreamed many dreams over the past many days. Oddly, I dreamed about an old boyfriend, one I’ll always consider my first love ~ well, as much love as a 13 year old can imagine. In truth, he was very much a part of my Psyche until I was in my mid 40s…wrote a book about… it’s on Amazon. It’s mostly fiction, but the heart of it was about him. My first kiss. My first almost sexual experience… long sad story.
He wasn’t THE ONE. He was unfaithful through the entire relationship. He was angry when I let go and I had to let go, because I didn’t like who I was with him AND YET… the very essence of him colored or rather stained my life, spilling over into every decision I made concerning love and relationships. It was brutal! I made horrible choices.
This is why I never wanted my daughters to date…..oops! Apologies! That rabbit trail was longer than I needed it to be. But, Life happened… and I am now with my forever husband. He is healing to my heart!

It would be so very easy to just allow the circumstance to dictate how I live my life right now. But, my faith, which is the substance of things hoped for AND the evidence of things not yet seen WILL NOT ALLOW IT.

I cannot throw stones at anyone, because I am NOT perfect…just forgiven. Donald Trump’s rhetoric bothers me as does Hilary Clinton’s. I am feeling the Bern and yet I still don’t feel I have a clear choice in either arena. There are a couple of independents I like, but Georgia isn’t inclusive in that way, politically. SIGH

Life happens and I won’t move to Canada if the Don becomes President. I will however become more aware of my surroundings. It will be the 60’s for me again, a culture of bigotry.

I will be amused at Bill’s antics if by some chance Hilary is elected.

Bernie is a conundrum, a clean slate for me. I’m not even certain of what that means in my head. I just pray he doesn’t drop out.

Life… how we live it…is a series of choices and consequences… If…then…either…or.

My tummy isn’t growling anymore. I made myself some chicken nuggets,(cut the chicken breast, seasoned, breaded, and fried them myself) with fries. The whole process took about 30 minutes.

Did I say that I am also trying to eat cleaner than in the past? Well I am and I am down 2 pant sizes… moving quickly towards 3 sizes down. YAY! ME!

Well, thanks for listening. I needed that release. You’re a wonderful listener! I promise not to stay away so long in the future, but then I’ve made that promise before and well, LIFE happens……….

 

A little….

…each day.

We tell people that time heals… a little each day.

We tell writers to write a little each day.

One day at a time; A little each day…. sigh

In this microwave world, minutes can feel like an eternity!

Today, I’m making every effort to slow done and smell the roses are little EVERYDAY. I’m going to spend 15 minutes alone with myself EVERYDAY.

We seem to make time for the hard things, why not encourage one another to take time for the GOOD things?

And while you’re at it, take the time to leave a comment, however short, on every blog you took the time to read EVERYDAY, EVERY TIME …… we authors can be an insecure bunch! 😉

LIFE….

So much has happened since my last post. My friend has fallen asleep in the LORD. She is Rejoicing in the Lord…. relaxing in paradise

The kids were sick, et cetera, et cetera, etc….

Anywho… all is well with my soul! The waves and the wind still know his name… hallelujah!

I have been comfort eating and sexing my hubby (which is comforting also). I love that my hubby has the ability to take me in my arms and just pray over me. Yes, the sex is great (awesome even). However, it is those times that he  washes me in the water of the word that solidifies our love.
It didn’t take him long to figure out why my libido was seemingly out of control. I LOVE THIS MAN!
He spoke peace over my heart and he held me as I cried it out. I so enjoy being in an adult relationship!

Too many times, I settled for “love” in ALL THE WRONG places. Loneliness will lead you to that mistake, as will boredom.

I wish I’d been strong enough to just love and like me enough, to just wait on the LORD. I have proven to be a poor judge of character when it comes to choosing a mate.

I’m writing this while watching an episode of “Married at First Sight“. It’s distracting. I’ve watched all 3 seasons and I’ve picked correctly each season. Let me go on record and say, “If David and Ashley stay together…. it’ll be a miracle!”

Okay, enough rambling. The serial starts in 24 hours! Stay tuned!