Rachael’s Song

She had decorated her small piece of the world as precisely as she could to a picture she’d seen in a Good House Keeping Magazine a few years ago. It was, to her twenty year old mind, her truest statement of home. She’d used straw mats over the carpet to simulate hard wood flooring, but all in all the room was picture perfect. She’d framed the magazine picture on the wall over the little desk as a conversation piece for visitors, but she didn’t have visitors often and her siblings all thought it was odd. But to her it was just home, a place to escape the harshness of the outside world and she’d almost ruined that by allowing Steve to even enter the airspace! He’d disrespected her furniture and her sense of style. He was often rude in his way and yet loving when he wanted to be intimate. She’d chalked this all up to the life he’d led in New York. It would seem to her that New Yorkers were like this, cold and hard on the outside, but warm and gooey on the inside. The very thought that she’d missed all those red flags made her even angrier!
Flopping down on the couch, she began to unbutton her coat. She rested her head on the back of the couch and stared at the pictures she secured to the ceiling. She chuckled to herself. This was probably the oddest part of her home. There were pictures on the ceiling in every room. She’d had them professionally mounted so there wouldn’t be any surprises. The ones in the living room were of fields and meadows. Each ceiling held room appropriate paintings or framed photos. It was truly relaxing to lie back in the tub and look at pictures of the beach and the ocean. She’d gotten the idea one day at her Gyno’s office. She wondered if the cute kitty picture over the exam table eased anyone’s fears. It was truly odd to have pictures of kittens and cats in a Gynecologist office anyway, far too many innuendos.
She yawned. The silence was her least favorite thing in her apartment. It hung like a big heavy drop cloth over every beautiful thing. It’s probably why she’d allowed Steve to come into her space in the first place.
She’d thought about getting a pet, but couldn’t decide which one she wouldn’t mind cleaning up after. It would also have to be odorless, didn’t shed, nor have to be fed regularly. These truths of the pet search had led her to the thrift store in search of a pet rock. This hadn’t been good either, because it came up missing one day.
She looked about her place, it was picture perfect, but there wasn’t any signs of life. No plants graced the corners. There were no pictures of smiling faces on any surface. It did cross her mind that this was one of the reasons why Steve had thought her an easy mark. Her entire existence screamed “LONELY PATHETIC CHRISTIAN WOMAN LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, ANYONE TO BRIGHTEN HER WORLD!”
In truth it had also been easy for Brighten, her very first boyfriend, emphasis on “boy”. Brighten had been about sex also, but she’d met him at church and they’d played the role of sweet courting couple; making out in private and barely touching in public.
They’d lasted one year. She decided that she didn’t want pretense to be a part of her married life.
She slipped her arms out of her coat and slipped off her shoes and wiggled her toes. Brighten had liked her feet, a lot. That thought made her giggle. He would kiss and caress her feet. They’d go on shopping trips to find just the correct shade of whatever color he wanted to paint her toenails. In the end he never spoke of marriage, just her feet.
She never painted her toenails now and Steve had never noticed. He wasn’t about body parts he’d told her, he was about the entire woman. He wanted to know what made her tick. And then he’d used the information to take her most prized possession – her identity. Sure her virginity had been prized, but no one had ever told her about the emptiness that follows a sex act when love isn’t present. She’d thought she loved him, but it turned out that the “reasons had just disappeared”. She laughed out loud. Such a pretty song; such a sad, but true message. She began to sing: “Now, I’m craving your body, is this real
Temperatures rising, I don’t want to feel
I’m in the wrong place to be real
Woahh and I’m longing to love you
just for a night, Kissing and hugging and holding you tight
Please let me love you with all my might

Reasons, the reasons that we’re here,
The reasons that we fear our feelings a-won’t disappear

Oooh! And- after the love game has been played
All our illusions were just a parade
And all the reasons start to fade…..”

>Game, there’s that word again. Why did it have to be a game? Why was it even considered a competition? Isn’t that what a game is, chance, luck, skill? Someone wins and someone loses. Why did it have to be a game? Why couldn’t it be a meeting? Two people coming together to discus the possibility of oneness? She sighed. Meeting of Love? No, it wasn’t very poetic. She closed her eyes and prayed. It wasn’t a very long prayer, just one to soothe the ache in her heart. She stared at the pictures on her ceiling. “I don’t mind waiting God. It’s the unknown that gets to me. I thought I’d be married by now. Please help me to see your hand in all of this.” Rachael paused. She understood that saying AMEN meant far more than just ending her prayer. It meant that she had changed her mindset and would allow God to have his way in her circumstance, so she didn’t say AMEN.

Rachael’s song

The bus stopped two blocks from Rachael’s apartment building. The wind that whipped around her head and punched her in the face reminded her that getting off here had been a stupid idea. There was a perfectly good bus stop in front of her building. That bus stop was covered and heated, a rare commodity, heat at a bus stop. The apartment building owners had it constructed for the children who rode the bus to school. She’d chosen to live in those apartments because of the proximity to the bus stop. Everything else was just gravy. In truth, the only downside had been Steve, the handy man’s apprentice. He stood 6’4″ tall. His skin was like burnished copper and his smile had just reached in and grabbed her heart.
He’d taken advantage of every opportunity he found himself with, to get her to go out with him and exactly two weeks later, she had given him her virginity or had he taken it? Rachael wasn’t sure now. All she knew what that he all too often bragged to his friends that his little pumpkin had been a easy mark.
She grimaced at the thought. Was she so desperate to be married that she’d actually thrown herself in harm’s way? Steve had been charming enough at first, but then he became demanding of her time and attention. He was a twenty-four seven type of man. In the beginning it made her feel wanted and loved, but as the months wore on, she began to feel anxious and she’d learned in her bible study class that being anxious was a sin.
Rachael shivered. She hadn’t been to bible study since she met Steve. He would pout and complain about missing her so she gave up many of her routines for him. All except going to the gym, that, he’d explained was something she needed to do to keep him interested. So she had changed her life for this man she’d given herself to, in the belief that he would marry her. And by the end of it they were talking about him moving in with her, because his rent was going up and her apartment was much larger than his.
>Maybe the car accident had been a blessing. She’d made the decision to break up with him in the hospital.
It wasn’t just the car crash; it was the presence of his wife in the car with him that caused her to walk away from her situation. The sight of him sitting by her bedside, holding her hand and weeping had tore at Rachael’s heart in a way she’d never want to experience again. It made her want to reach into his crotch and take back her virginity! How dare he lie to her! Yes, it had been a lie of omission, but it was still a lie. She wanted to rip his scrotum from his body and stomp on it!
>>She stopped to catch her breath. The cold wind was fighting her for the air in her lungs as she walked briskly towards home. She looked around and marveled at the sights. This was truly a beautiful area. She laughed out loud. It was truly a good thing that no one could hear how scattered her thoughts were! She just needed to let it all go and move forward.
She wasn’t the first woman to fall for the wrong man, nor would she be the last. She took a deep breath, drew her coat tighter and tried to push every thought from her mind until she saw her apartment building.  This however seemed a far more difficult task than she’d imagined. She just couldn’t seem to shut out the thoughts in her head.

How silly had she been! It was just like the song, “Silly wasn’t I, to think that you loved me! Oh wasn’t I silly!” She could hear Denice Williams’ soothing voice ring in her heart just as surely as if she were playing the CD. She remembered standing on the back porch of her grandmother’s house lip syncing the song into a brush. She’d understood the words even then. Just as the words to Dolly”s “Jolene” could always bring her to tears. To say that she had always been unlucky in love was a gross understatement. It did seem that in all of her twenty-five years, she’d discovered all of the wrong things to do in the game of love.
In truth, she wished it weren’t a game. She had never been good at games, unless losing was the object of the game.
It didn’t help that she considered herself a Christian; which is why she’d held onto her virginity so long in this day and age. It had been her plan to be a virgin on her wedding night, but desperation had caused her to jump the gun. She’d believed the words whispered in the dark. She’d felt the emptiness that had followed the act of what should have been making love and she’d simply chalked it up to inexperience.
Now she knew that red flags are not to be ignored. They are signs to say “Stop! This person is not for you!”
This drove all thought from her mind and she walked silently into her apartment and closed her door to the outside world.

Rachael’s Song(working title)

Rachael pulled the collar of her coat up closer to her ears. The wind howled about her as she stood waiting for the city bus. She hated this part. It caused her to miss Steve and what little they’d had together. The six month relationship had taken a lot out of her and had caused her far too much sacrifice. He’d totaled her car and her bank account. She shook her head, Why do I miss him? Why am I so willing to open my heart to the wrong people?
The sound and smell of the bus pushed the thoughts from her head. She waited for the doors to open and boarded the bus. She kept her eyes planted on the driver’s hands as he punched a hole in her transfer. Then she made the awkward journey to the middle of the bus. She took a seat close to the middle doors.
It took everything within her to just look straight ahead and not make eye contact with anyone, stalkers were too easy to attract in her opinion.
>”Um, excuse me, could you skootch over so I can sit here?”
>Rachael looked in the direction of the voice. Its owner was an elderly woman holding a cane and a large shopping bag. She wore a coat that was too small for and the sweater underneath poked through the straining button holes of the coat. “Speak up hun, I ain’t gettin’ no younger!” The old woman snapped at her.
Rachael stared at her and shook her head, “My stop is up next”. Rachael said trying to insert some firmness into her tone.
The old woman grinned a wide almost toothless grin, “Well, mine, too! So skootch over!”
Rachael pulled her purse closer to her body and shook her head. “If you’ll step back, I’ll just stand up.”
The old woman didn’t budge. She placed one hand on the back of the seat and the other on her hip. “Skootch!” she said firmly to Rachael. “Mz Allen ain’t got no time fo ignorant, hun!” The old woman glared at Rachael and at the teenagers who’d started to giggle at the situation.
Rachael reached up and signaled the driver to stop the bus. The old woman laughed heartily and moved toward the back of the bus.
Rachael felt anger rise up her back. She looked in the direction of the old woman, who was now settled into the backseat of the bus. She smiled at Rachael and then defiantly raised her middle finger, in an all too familiar salute of the rude.
Rachael turned her head quickly, pretending not to notice the rude gesture. What had happened to the sweet old ladies? The ones you want to help or give up your seat for; Rachael closed her eyes for a moment to try and erase the thoughts from her head. It would seem that Steve had done more damage to her world in six months than she’d have ever thought possible. His presence in her life had caused her to feel helpless in every area of her life.
Rachael closed her eyes in an effort to shut down the thoughts in her head. Why had she given her heart so willingly to him? Why had she, even in a passive way, given up her seat to that gross old woman? When am I going to grow a set of balls and just stand up for me?

Sigh…

It’s increasingly difficult to rid myself of anger. It seems to dwell just to the left of me and has a tendency to interject when not spoken to or acknowledged.

I cannot seem to shake it. I am as I type this angry. I am angry at so very many things, people, circumstance, and yes, you.

My mind aches. My heart aches. I am thankful that my knees no longer ache, weight loss is a wonderful thing when done responsibly. I even get most of my 100 ozs of water in each day.

I know why I’m angry, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about. Oh, I know the WORD and what it says, and I know that this can turn into a root of bitterness, it’s, just, that, I just can’t seem to shake it.

I wish I could go back in time and live the life I imagined. But alas that too is cause for anger.

I must begin to count my blessings, which are many and I also have mercy that is new every morning.
Sigh, my life was to  be GRAND! No worries! Happy children! Loving husband! SIGH

Giggle, I suppose 2 out of 3, or is it half and half? Maybe 1 out of 4? I know my hubby loves me. Funny isn’t it? How life happens I mean? I’ve had my high points and my lowest of the low points.
And still, it my faith that sustains me. I am nothing without it. I must admit to a sort of numbness recently, a sort of longing for God to do or say something to help me let go of this anger. My guess is that its one of those things we’re supposed to cast away or walk away from.

THE JOY OF THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH

I have learned to be content, however angrily. I’m told that anger stems from Pride and yes, I resemble that remark. My pride has been bruised HORRIBLY! Sigh Sigh Sigh

Father Help me!!!

 

 

LIFE….HAPPENS and then….

So many things going through my head right now. I’m hungry, tummy growling, need to eat, but don’t know what I want ~ so I’ll probably make some popcorn hungry.

I am self reflecting about the things that have happened since I last wrote, I suppose this is therapy, a cleansing of the heart and mind of sorts.
As an author, every circumstance is basis for a book and yet I’ve found myself too tired or stressed to write.

Death visited last month.

Life happens…. and then we go on. It’s not simple by a long shot, but we can’t stop. I have too many people depending on me.
Thank the LORD for my precious hubby! He has been a rock during all of this. He is ever sensitive to my heart and takes very good care of it. He washes me in the water of the WORD and this re-enforces the peace that passes all understanding. He protects my heart! I love that! It makes me feel so very blessed!

I’ve dreamed many dreams over the past many days. Oddly, I dreamed about an old boyfriend, one I’ll always consider my first love ~ well, as much love as a 13 year old can imagine. In truth, he was very much a part of my Psyche until I was in my mid 40s…wrote a book about… it’s on Amazon. It’s mostly fiction, but the heart of it was about him. My first kiss. My first almost sexual experience… long sad story.
He wasn’t THE ONE. He was unfaithful through the entire relationship. He was angry when I let go and I had to let go, because I didn’t like who I was with him AND YET… the very essence of him colored or rather stained my life, spilling over into every decision I made concerning love and relationships. It was brutal! I made horrible choices.
This is why I never wanted my daughters to date…..oops! Apologies! That rabbit trail was longer than I needed it to be. But, Life happened… and I am now with my forever husband. He is healing to my heart!

It would be so very easy to just allow the circumstance to dictate how I live my life right now. But, my faith, which is the substance of things hoped for AND the evidence of things not yet seen WILL NOT ALLOW IT.

I cannot throw stones at anyone, because I am NOT perfect…just forgiven. Donald Trump’s rhetoric bothers me as does Hilary Clinton’s. I am feeling the Bern and yet I still don’t feel I have a clear choice in either arena. There are a couple of independents I like, but Georgia isn’t inclusive in that way, politically. SIGH

Life happens and I won’t move to Canada if the Don becomes President. I will however become more aware of my surroundings. It will be the 60’s for me again, a culture of bigotry.

I will be amused at Bill’s antics if by some chance Hilary is elected.

Bernie is a conundrum, a clean slate for me. I’m not even certain of what that means in my head. I just pray he doesn’t drop out.

Life… how we live it…is a series of choices and consequences… If…then…either…or.

My tummy isn’t growling anymore. I made myself some chicken nuggets,(cut the chicken breast, seasoned, breaded, and fried them myself) with fries. The whole process took about 30 minutes.

Did I say that I am also trying to eat cleaner than in the past? Well I am and I am down 2 pant sizes… moving quickly towards 3 sizes down. YAY! ME!

Well, thanks for listening. I needed that release. You’re a wonderful listener! I promise not to stay away so long in the future, but then I’ve made that promise before and well, LIFE happens……….

 

A little….

…each day.

We tell people that time heals… a little each day.

We tell writers to write a little each day.

One day at a time; A little each day…. sigh

In this microwave world, minutes can feel like an eternity!

Today, I’m making every effort to slow done and smell the roses are little EVERYDAY. I’m going to spend 15 minutes alone with myself EVERYDAY.

We seem to make time for the hard things, why not encourage one another to take time for the GOOD things?

And while you’re at it, take the time to leave a comment, however short, on every blog you took the time to read EVERYDAY, EVERY TIME …… we authors can be an insecure bunch! 😉

LIFE….

So much has happened since my last post. My friend has fallen asleep in the LORD. She is Rejoicing in the Lord…. relaxing in paradise

The kids were sick, et cetera, et cetera, etc….

Anywho… all is well with my soul! The waves and the wind still know his name… hallelujah!

I have been comfort eating and sexing my hubby (which is comforting also). I love that my hubby has the ability to take me in my arms and just pray over me. Yes, the sex is great (awesome even). However, it is those times that he  washes me in the water of the word that solidifies our love.
It didn’t take him long to figure out why my libido was seemingly out of control. I LOVE THIS MAN!
He spoke peace over my heart and he held me as I cried it out. I so enjoy being in an adult relationship!

Too many times, I settled for “love” in ALL THE WRONG places. Loneliness will lead you to that mistake, as will boredom.

I wish I’d been strong enough to just love and like me enough, to just wait on the LORD. I have proven to be a poor judge of character when it comes to choosing a mate.

I’m writing this while watching an episode of “Married at First Sight“. It’s distracting. I’ve watched all 3 seasons and I’ve picked correctly each season. Let me go on record and say, “If David and Ashley stay together…. it’ll be a miracle!”

Okay, enough rambling. The serial starts in 24 hours! Stay tuned!

 

 

 

HEY PEOPLE! A Note From My Daughter…

I just want to say that I had a good day today.School was great,I guess :/.I petted an iguana….Which I thought was pretty awesome.I also helped my nieces with their school work today.The math was fractions,which I am really good at,so I told my mom that I can help them so we did it but we didn’t pass :(.But I believe that we can pass tomorrow.I have a feeling that we will..Well I have to go to bed now.Goodnight :).

Zahvie

Kindergeld…. I need some….NOW!!

Kindergeld   – Kinder === child(ren) geld === $$$$

They are giving an increase and making certain that Child Support isn’t being doubly paid to anyone.
Reading the site gave me pause and a thought of moving back to West Germany. I first heard of Kindergeld while stationed there and considering citizenship. I was disenchanted with all things America and my marriage at the time. So it sounded good. They take care of their people in many ways, far better than we privileged Americans do.

I have to stop reading the site. SIGH. They call it a benefit. Americans, unaware of the origin, call it a handout. I remember that there was a sense of pride when speaking of the Geld. While in contrast, Americans are made to feel ashamed about the need for assistance.

isn’t it odd? The use of words? Benefit. Assistance. Handout.

THE NEW DEAL, the first of its kind has been ripped to shreds in the quest for, for, (I haven’t found the correct words).
Herbert Hoover (R)was president when the Crash occurred but felt that the government should not become overly involved in helping individuals dealing with economic troubles. However, this changed with the election of Franklin Roosevelt (D). He worked to create numerous programs through his New Deal to help those affected worst by the Depression. American History/About.com

Does it sound as if I’m rambling? Well, maybe I am. I’m so saddened by the group of people running for President, The Leader of the Free World, that I’m truly trying to make sense of it. I have to vote. It’s my honor and right as an American. I’m just saddened when it appears that other countries take better care of their citizens. I’m done with the entire congress! I also think that I’m verklempt about the Obama’s having to leave the White House. First, allow me to say, I’m not discussing politics, policies, etc. I just enjoy them as a couple, as a family. They’re like that one couple you see all the time and they just make you smile. They have cute kids and no craziness. The only difference is, they live in a sort of fish bowl ~ everyone has an opinion of them.
WOW! Anywho, (I’m off that rabbit trail)
This time around, the entire thing feels like someone died and now every Tom, Dick, and Mary wants to fill the opening. It is distressing! And he who’s name I won’t mention here has never been a favorite of mine. I so want to say, “You’re Fired!” and watch him be tossed out on his bottom. Again, sigh.

Oh, well, I’m not moving to Germany. I’m here in the cradle of the south ~ where slavery has a new facade and second class citizens had better know their place.

p.s. I did not proof read this… I’m far too tired to do so….

Sitting on the Edge of a Dream

Kay is a 40 year old woman who has been married to her husband, Dave, for 15 years. Her life has been filled with pain and many disappointments over the years.

So, she escapes her reality by reminiscing on the good times with her high school sweetheart, Reginald.

Kay gets hurt in a very bad car accident, and Reginald comes back into her life to see about her. Kay then realizes that even though she hasn’t had any contact with Reginald in 22 years, she still has strong feelings for him, and needs to decide if she should follow her mind, or her heart.